MSN Etiquette
It's amazing how much a person can change when you find someone you truly like. Simple by looking at all the unique names that people write as their msn nickname can tell you quite a lot about that. There's a friend of mine, someone whom I worked with on a group project who was truly the greatest jack (of all trades) ass I have ever met. His msn names would consist of cocky egotistic lines, funny demeaning quotes of his own or his friends, a total rebel against the norms of msn etiquette. On a side note, it should be an msn etiquette not to put such descriptive names and personal things on your msn nickname. I recently read this article on the Insider (Schulich newspaper) talking about msn etiquette that was really funny. Anyways, recently tho, I've been finding really sweet things. I guess it's a side of him I've never seen. Names like, love you, hunny I'll be there, etc.
So far, there are a couple of people whom I've seen this total transformation in. The same people that used to critcize my own transformation in the past when I was in relationships and they were not. I guess they just didn't understand what being in a relationship entails or, the rules that you break and the priorities you set when you are in one.
Sometimes I wish I had the simplicity and innocence I had back then. When it was my first time ever dating someone and I was just up in the clouds as if nothing mattered. Obviously, I couldn't do that anymore. Just like, I don't believe I'd be hurt now to the extent I used to be hurt. Dating someone new doesn't bring the crazy excitement it used to bring. Probably because now more than ever I have thicker walls protecting my heart than any wall ReMax could ever build. But no matter how thick the wall, life goes on, so choices still have to be made and you still have to progress to something.
Then again my choice of a long distance relationship seems to be the hardest choice so far. It just seems as if I'm alone even if I know I have a boyfriend back in HK. I'm technically not single, but I'm without my boyfriend. Odd concept. Haven't had to deal with that before. I wish he'd come to Canada sooner, or I was able to leave earlier. There are things here that I don't want to deal with, and if he were here, he could help me deal with them. So many times I thought about ending it but the thought of not having him in my life is even worse. Which is weird because physically he isn't around. Anyway, I've been really busy at school, but not consistently cuz I'm a procrastinator. So I don't really read until last minute, which kinda gives me a lot of time in between. I think I should fill those hours with some sort of hobby. I should go back to being a book worm with my head in the clouds. Read any good books lately that you could recommend?
Meetings on a Sunday Afternoon
Meetings suck. Especially when they're on your weekend, so then your whole entire weekend is sort of wasted since it felt like a workday anyway. On a brighter note, my mom let me drive the car to school! So what's the big deal? It was snowy and the road was horrible! Haha...she let me drive after the snow storm so the streets where still filled with snow and it was slippery and icy and freezing outside. I dunno why she'd let me take the car, but she did. So, another step in the direction of individuality. Okay, not really. Just more car priviledges, which is a leap and bound for me. Lol.
Dunno what's up with her now. She never used to let me take the car in the snow. But driving in the snow was pretty freaky since it was my first time and I felt the snow underneath the car. But then I got the hang of it and started my experimental sliding in the parking lot. Heh heh. Ssshhhh! Don't tell that part. I must really sound like a kid for all those who've already had their driving licenses for years and driving in the snow is no big deal. So, I procrastinated getting my driver's license too. Which reminds me, I have to go get my G.
Only January
I know it's not even the end of January, but I'm already looking forward to reading week. My first assignment due and I wasn't done until 3am. Ah well...I should really stop procrastinating, but saying it never works.
It's minus 22 outside tonight! Freakin cold even inside with my sweatshirt on. My mom doesn't like to turn up the thermostat, then when she finds out that I did, she just turns it back down. Something about heat making the skin dry and wasting energy. Anyway, been staying at home most of the time. I should be reading, but somehow I find other things to do. Went to check out Fallsview on the weekend, lost my $20. Hahaha...I'm pretty cursed when it comes to gambling. But then I guess it's the same $20 that I won from my friends playing poker a couple days before that. =)
My mom wants me to go get a blood test...I dunno if I ever mentioned that I hate doctors. Well, no I don't hate doctors, I hate going to doctors when they are looking at me and checking me and fixing me. Lol. I would rather follow something like a troubleshoot manual. What medicine to eat when you have the following symptoms...
Or...I guess the best medicine is to sleep...ZzzzZzZzzZzz!!!
Understanding Me
There are a couple things I have to clear up, since people have been asking me. They all want the 411 on Alex, lol...so I guess I'll try my best to tell it. Before my exchange, a fellow Schulicher named Sophia in fourth year would e-mail me and we talked back and forth for the whole summer about each other, my problems, her fiance and our upcoming trip to CUHK the following semester. I ended up taking the same 18 hour flight to HK with her, and found that she's very easy to get along with, and is a really good friend. While in HK one weekend, I wanted to meet more locals, so I went with her to sing karaoke on some afternoon. I met Alex through Sophia. Alex was Sophia's god brother. Those...you know, guys who have god sisters or girls who have god brothers. Which ever way it developed doesn't really matter, but being curious, I had to ask. That day we went out with 2 of her guy friends, one of which was her ex. So I had to ask, why did you choose that one (pointing to the right) and not this one (pointing to Alex who was walking directing infront of me)?
Looking back, at that point in time, my question surprised even myself. I'm not known to ask something so personal to someone else, and so insignificant to myself for no reason. I guess now, I know the reason why I had to ask. I had to make sure, although Sophia was getting married, some guys are still off limits to friends. Anyways, I thought I had the go, but later realized that there was a little more to the story. But, Sophia's open minded, she didn't mind afterwards.
Sometimes I wonder what I see in Alex. When I think about it, the simplest way put...is that I see myself. In many ways, to put it badly, he's a male version of myself. But in a nicer way, we're the same type of people. On the negative side, he's emotional destructive, easily insecure, selectively remembers the past, pushes away the people he loves, but on the most part illogically loyal. On the positive side, he can quickly stop being mad as if being mad was a button you could click off, and is deeply, deeply in love with who he chooses. I can understand all that, because I am also like that. Our friends are our treasures, just like our family, although we may never show it.
On one hand, I understand the things he does. But on the other, I think about whether I know how to deal with it? To put it in another way, do I know how to deal with myself? Thinking back to my past relationships, I can now understand why they did what they did and how they just couldn't put up with me anymore. Sometimes, I can't put up with myself either, and I question why I feel the way I feel, especially when I know I don't want to. Sometimes I think, if 2 people of the same type like us are put together, are we headed on a road destined for destruction or does the understanding of each other run deep enough and our forgiveness great enough to pull through? Am I supposed to find someone who complements me instead, even if the understanding is not as deep, but perhaps the tolerance would be greater? Or I could put it this way...how long can I tolerate myself? I don't question whether he can tolerate me, because some how deep down, I know what it is that I need to do for him to not let go. It's almost as if I have an utmost trust in him that he will not leave because I think he's like me, and I know that there's only a small number of things I could do that would be unforgiveable. So in him, I have an illogical amount of trust that he won't give up on us.
Saying this might be premature, and of course, nothing is ever for certain. But it's just a part of the understanding that I have of him that I cannot explain clearly. I guess my saying that we tolerate each other is also a bit wrong. In no relationship should you ever believe it comes down to tolerating each other. But relationships do have problems, and sometimes they should be tolerated, its when those problems become too great to fix and too big to handle together that... But both of us being people who don't know how to let go, maybe we put up with each other too much, to a point where maybe letting go would be a better choice. Then I ask myself, could I be someone that nobody needs to "put up" with? For Alex, I think I can. I know my role.
But sometimes when you've screwed up, and it's hard to forget, you allow time to help you forgive and let go. Then, how much time do you allow? I'm not sure about the answer to that...until I put up with more than I can handle? Because each time we argue about the same thing it's like I have a greater sense of feeling nothingness, and what I do feel is slowly being chipped away piece by piece, which is something I've also heard from my exs. A shut down of my emotions was always my way out. I forget easily, so forgiving becomes second nature. I can also forgive myself, which is why I always blame myself. Blaming myself is easier than blaming others and in anything, if it relates to me, I can somehow just see it as something that I did wrong. Then forgive myself. There's a problem when someone interupts that process.
That's what I can't deal with. That's what really pisses me off. When I need to forgive myself, I have to distance myself with anything and anyone that reminds me of things I want to forget. So logically, in the end, the person I can't deal with, is myself. When someone constantly reminds me of things I feel guilty for, things I want to forget, I get pissed because the bottom line is, I want to forget my guilt. That person who serves as a reminder isn't really who I'm mad at. I'm mad, but not at him and what he does because him reminding me of what I've done wrong to him is just logical too. All of this is probably extremely confusing. I didn't think all I wrote could be understood. If you don't understand, then all I'm saying is that Alex and I are alike in many ways, and because of that, I feel I understand him, and he understands me, but perhaps just an understanding of each other isn't enough to stay together.
If you do understand what I've said, then I guess all you could do is be happy for me, that with Alex I understand more of myself, even if I don't have solutions to my faults at the moment. Even if there was anything you could say, it may or may not help, because I'm not easily influenced. In anything I use my heart as a judge to help me make decisions. I know in some situations that's not really appropriate, but I think it's easier to live with myself if I use my heart to deal with people than my mind, because at least whatever I may suffer, I have chosen to suffer, and I won't hurt anyone in the process. However there was one exception so now I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not only making decisions for myself anymore.
Schulicher
Can't believe I'm back in Canada already. My time in HK seemed so short, and if it wasn't for my core accounting course, I'd still be there. Missing alex a lot. I've been webcaming him and waking up early to talk to him since I got back. Luckily he msn's at his office too so I get to see him after school.
I had a great exchange in HK, but the one thing that ruins it, is when your exchange coordinator asks you to write a 10 to 15 page report or journal about the experience due Jan28th. *sigh* That's when I get back into the Schulich role, that nothing you ever do here...is just for fun.
Being back in TO, I wanna go back to HK. I don't think I ever wanted to leave, no matter how hard it became. I guess it's cuz I'm an adaptable person. I think maybe I'll go back to HK after graduation. Or maybe I'm saying that cuz I'm already biased since my boyfriend is there.
Anyway, back to the stress. I realized now all those things my boyfriend was worried about in a long distance relationship isn't anything I worry about cuz I knew once I came back, my life would revolve around Schulich. I go to school 3 days a week for an average of 6 hours each day(4.5 of those hours are back to back courses), yet the time I need to spend pouring over those textbooks is much more than a normal week can provide. When I'm done, it's too exhuasted to do anything else. I guess you can blame that on the jet lag I might have this week. Let's hope my time frees up in the following weeks.
