Merry Christmas
I've been missing home lately, probably cuz it's the holiday season. I even missed snow and the cold weather. I miss driving to my aunt's house with my family in the cold snowy weather, stepping out of the car and walking up the porch steps to my auntie's house. Then as I open the door, the crazy big dog comes and pounces on me, but more importantly, I smell the turkey in the oven that I know my uncle is baking. Once I walk through the door and take off my shoes, I have to find a neat place to put them on the floor because there are already so many shoes littered around the door. I walk to the living room on the right as I take off my jacket and see the brightly lit Christmas tree decorated with tinsle and glass balls. Of course, there are always presents under the tree.
I also miss the Christmas parties. I miss the church dinner and the party that's usually held around that time. Going up to Mike's place and everyone from church and friends of friends are all eating a crazy amount of food cuz it's always potluck. I miss the Christmas eve service at NTCBC. I miss the amazing worship.
Usually I'm not even home on the holidays. I'm always out with friends and going places. I had planned my holidays to leave a gap for that day when we're all supposed to go to my aunt's place. There are presents every year from family and secret santa with friends. =) I couldn't feel more alone this Christmas being here in HK without my parents. I never thought I'd miss spending the holidays with them so much since I thought I hardly spent it with them each year. Christmas feels so weird here in HK, even with all the lights and decorations and music. HK makes the holidays special with all the lights and displays making it very festive, but somehow it's still missing something. You can even get roasted chestnuts on the side of the road, but still I can't help feeling like there's a little hole in my heart.
Anyway, I hope everyone's spending their Christmas with family and other loved ones, exchanging gifts, maxing their cards for friends and taking a little personal time or buying a little something something for themselves. Hallelujah! Merry Christmas!
Holiday's Around the Corner
Counting down the days for when I have to head back to Toronto. It's all kinda sad since I don't really want to leave here. *sigh* Plus the fact that I know what's over there for me and I know what I have to get back to and I'm not gonna like it so it's not gonna be pretty. Anyway, cherishing the time I have left, I've decided not to go to Beijing, but stay in HK for the last few weeks to shop, look at the pretty lights and spend it with my boyfriend. Hmm...trying not to think about the future. Trying to take one step at a time and it's still sorta hard.
Oh well, I brought it all on myself. On a brighter note, it's almost Christmas!!! My favourite time of year...unfortunately I'll be missing all the parties back home. Still, I'm gonna try and throw my own party. Hee hee...All my exchange friends will be on exchange until Christmas. So I guess I'll be shopping and partying until then. =) Lotsa lotsa shopping to make up for all the summer clothes I didn't buy? Heh. And then it's also that time to be buying "hand letters" for everyone. It would be easier if people could tell me what they wanted that I'm sure I could get without getting caught at customs for carrying illegal products. *HINT* Lemme give you some examples...umm... poison or fake dvds, vcds or cds... Yup, you get the point!
I wonder what everyone else is doing for Christmas? I heard there wasn't a Josiah table?!?! That's so sad...church Christmas dinner was the one dinner of the year I had to go to. Since I haven't found a church to go to in HK, I have no clue where I wanna go for Christmas service. Alex's mom already believed that we'd be going to mass with her, she kinda just suggested it to us out loud and confirmed it in her head. Haha...which is okay I guess. I wouldn't mind going since I never went, but a Catholic sunday service is still really weird for me. Everything is so formal and showy, it makes me uncomfortable since I'm still not used to it. But I can see why doing those things may help you along your walk with God. At least if you wanted to do what was right, even if you didn't feel the part, there are a lot of instructions you could follow to help you. But it kinda borders on faith by works...kinda an iffy thin line. So either its, doing things to help you feel the way you should (ie. kneeling as you read some confession booklet about how guilty you feel even if you don't really feel it) or not doing anything at all fully knowing that you aren't feeling anything.
Winnie's coming to HK! Gonna be spending a few days with her during the holidays. Still dunno what we're gonna do tho, but I'm sure she'll know when she gets here. Meanwhile I better check out all the shopping places to see what I want so I can go with the rest of the population and help clear out the stores in the fastest time possible without bothering to line up for the change room. Lol
Suspended in a Moment
Right now I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like nothing is moving forward and its like my life is passing by and I know that time is still moving but I'm not. I'm getting older, but I feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything with that time.
I'm not even sure if I'm in pain. How can you feel pain when you're suspended in a moment where nothing is definite and all your questions aren't answered. If they are answered, it's all just a bunch of crap because the combination of answers just don't make any sense.
This suspension in time is possibly the worst feeling for me because I'm a person who always has to move forward. I need to make things move forward, think about the future and go for it. I can't be suspended in this moment for long or else I'll go insane from not knowing what's going on. I can't understand people who can just leave their relationships at a point where nothing is discussed and the status is not established. Its like the relationship is stalled and you don't know where it's going to go. I guess they may know where their relationship is going because once they stall it, the inevitable is to break up. Not for me. Breaking up was never an option I would consider seriously.
But being stalled in this moment in time, the only possible way to get things moving is to break up. Not a time off, not a weekend to myself because time to myself and a time off are relatively the same thing as during the whole entire weekend I will be thinking about one thing. The thing that I cannot solve. My relationship.
Is a successful relationship supposed to cause so much pain? At what point is there too much pain for you to know that you should pull out, let go indefinitely and move on? Even breaking up at this point provides a sense of comfort because after you break up, after you go through the inevitable heartbreak of losing someone you love, you know as you become independent again that there will be better days.
What's supposed to be in a healthy relationship? A friend of mine named a few, "trust, communication, respect, friendship and of course love and happiness". They're all different. A relationship cannot just have love he said. So if you lost trust, if you lost respect and if you lost happiness, is that the same as losing the relationship? You lost, it should be over, but you just don't wanna let go and give it up. Why? Do I think that toughing it out now will make it work out in the future? Or do I just not want to be alone? I've been alone before, I've been independent, I know better days will come after a break up, so why do I never want to do it? What makes this relationship more important to hold on to than the next? Is what makes a relationship successful the one where you never let go? Or is it the one that you never even thought about letting go cuz the problems weren't that serious? If a relationship had no problems serious enough to let go, does that mean it's a healthy successful one?
But if a relationship had no troubles, then would it even grow? What is a successful relationship anyway? A carefree, simple one? When I ask myself what I want, I tell myself that I don't want to break up. But when you carefully analyze the problem...what is the problem? The problem is I'm not feeling too happy, and I'm not feeling too loved, and I'm in a sort of pain that chokes me. I'm so hurt in fact that all I remember is being hurt, and I can't feel hurt anymore. Maybe it's because I can't feel this hurt, just knowing it doesn't make it painful?
I had always thought a successful relationship was one where you don't let go because it's too important to you to give up. This relationship is important to me. But sometimes people tell me that I'm only 20. I have so much time ahead of me. Sometimes when you're in a relationship, you think this is it, this is the one significant relationship that I'm not ever going to find again if I let it go. To be honest, very very honest, even though I know people will be reading this, I only had that feeling once before. Once in the past I had a significant relationship where I thought I was never going to find another one like it. If you know about my past, then you know which one I'm talking about. Right now, I feel it again. I feel like this relationship is a significant one that I can't let go of. I can't let go even more so because this one compared to that last one means so much more and is so much better.
Sometimes I think about breaking up cuz maybe it's the only option left. What are my other options? To continue in this suspension? No, continuing in this suspended moment is not an option. But thankfully, just right now, I've been given a chance to move forward. The police station called asking me to come in for questioning again. I guess I'll go do that. I know this will help take me out of this moment and continue to move me forward. Because like I said, breaking up is not an option.
